Attitude 2: Your Job Is To Make Yourself Progressively Un-needed!
“Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.”
Bill Cosby
When you think about it, the whole purpose of being a parent is to progressively work yourself out of a job. Yes, we love our children, yes we like them as people, but your job is to prepare them to be successful without you. I know that is hard for you to embrace, but you need to not only “let go”, but encourage the letting go process. I am not addressing those children with special needs. That is an entirely different matter.
In the world of parenting, nothing upsets me more than seeing or hearing about someone who has a child that is middle aged and still living at home. Special need and situations aside, there is something wrong this picture. Whose fault is it?
Think about it before you answer. If you recall from Chapter one, we are all responsible and accountable for our behavior and attitudes. One must also consider human nature. Think about—if some one gave you free room and board and even packed your lunches, did your laundry and paid you bills, how strongly would you object? Probably not much. Would you be motivated to be independent? For some yes, but apparently for others there is no motivation to become a practicing adult.
In reality, both parties are at fault. For one, “Junior” is at fault for not getting off his butt and taking life into his own hands. There may be a myriad of reasons from laziness to fear—but before one can successfully enter the adult world, he must learn to be independent. We all start off dependent…. Babies and infants for example are very dependent on their care-giver. But a middle aged infant??? Give me a break!
Of course Mom and Dad are also to blame. They have facilitated this behavior. They have set up Junior to fail. Why? There is no one size fits all—but here are some suggestions. Perhaps, Mom and Dad don’t want to have an empty nest (hard on both, but it seems particular challenging for Mom’s). Perhaps they still need to be needed. Perhaps Junior lacks the skills to eek out a living in the real world.
Isn’t this scenario a little unrealistic? Not really. My wife and I met a couple with a son at home. As we got to talking with them we discover that he was 35 years old, had a successful career and still lived at home. I was curious, so I delved deeper. Mom also made his lunches, did his laundry and paid his bills. You heard right—paid his bills! I asked Mom, why she did all this. She responded that that is what mothers do. Perhaps for the first 10 years maybe, but at 35? Come on!
Now please don’t think that once your little one (as an adult) has left home that you are free and clear. Your role shifts some what, and the day to day concerns and worries are replaced by a whole new set of concerns and worries.
So what constitutes being an adult or simply being adult?
Main Entry: 1adult
Pronunciation: &-’d
Add Yours
YOU